November 11th, 2010

The End and The Beginning

Its hard knowing just what to say when someone dies, weather they were close to you or someone you barely knew.  Funerals always make me depressed and to bury someone that recently was up and alive, now lifeless and cold.  Well sadness and depression is one thing not happening today!  Today I burried the final remnance of my "brother" (my old self) by finally getting my new glasses!

Sorry if I made this post sound dark and gloomy at first, but it sucked you in to read more, mwahahah, ok well anyways.  I feel alive, able to breath and finally feel as if I should, as if I am who I should be.  Coarse I have a long ways till my final goal but to sever the final remnance of what should never have been is simply a feeling I could only wish everyone could feel.  I have to admit, this transition is and will be the greatest journey I have and will ever embark on.  To feel in a different way then I have ever before, to experience sensations and emotions that were never within my grasp before now.  I'd love nothing more then to go into great detail of all that I am going through, but some of m experiences are not appropriate for this blog.  However I may start my adult blog soon so that I can share these moments.  Nothing perverted, just completely real and innocent. 

Anyways without further adu I give you my new picture (yea its alot lower quality and tiny for some reason then I wanted, I'll be getting professional pictures done next month).

My previous picture was extremely higher quality and photoshopped, one thing I never heard was anyone mention the two sides of the picture.  Apparently everyone assumed the right was me before transition and left was after transition.  I never explained it in detail because no one asked, the person on the right was me (about 7 months ago) and the person on the left is a woman named Jonsu.  She is the lead singer in an all female rock group called Indica.  She is how I want to end up looking like when my transition is done (even if I need facial reconstruction).  That picture was to symbolize the me now (7 months ago) and the me in the near future (near being a few years, takes up to 5 years for estrogen to completely feminize the face and only 3 years for the rest of the body.) 

Yes I am overweight and I think I am quite unattractive despite what others tell me.  I have low self esteem and serious self confidence issues.  If you've been reading my blog you already know why, has to do with my external family (mom, dad, sister, etc) and years of verbal abuse.  So it took alot of courage for me to post this picture, I'd prefer to be viewed as and remembered by the other picture but as I continue my transition I need to celebrate every moment and not hide from it all.  That is why I posted my new picture, love me or hate me as I always say.  Temporarily my transition photos have been taken down, they've been hiding for several months now.  I might put them back up adding my newest picture with them but my problem is I want to forget the past not be reminded of it.  

Imput on this would be great!  Post your comments and let me know what you think of everything.  My newest picture, my desire to bury the past, etc.  Also I want peoples opinions on which image I should use for my profile, the old picture or the new one?

XOXO,

Sara

PS: I have gained a few pounds (10lbs) since my last picture due to anxiety and depression from everything and moving down to Arizona.  Since I have been here I've been more worried about adjusting and such that I have slacked off and well gained the weight.  But fear not, its coming off again and continueing.  We are significantly happier here in Arizona and only thing in my way now is time.