July 21st, 2010

...and life continues

Hello, sorry I havent blogged in a while, up until recently not alot has changed so I waited to post till something important happened.  Well that something has happened, though I wish it had not.  Well all and all life has been going well, still havent found a job but everything else has been amazing till recently.  Ok so heres whats going on in Sara's world;

A month ago I was rushed to the Emergency Room with crippling stomach pains turns out from stress and other things I have several ulsor's and a tear in my upper intestine... who'd a thought stress could actually kill someone.  Anyways I've been avoiding stressful activites and situations but that all took a violent slam for the worst a week ago..  My mother wanted to take us (me, my wife and our kids) to the beach for a fun day which I thought was a great idea.

I've known my mother was on the fence with all of my changes so I thought I'd get up a couple hours earlier so I could really look good, hair, make-up, attire... So I got all done up and even in my own eyes I thought I looked really good (remember I've always been my own worst enemy in self confidence).  My make-up was perfect, hair was amazing it fell just ever so perfectly, and my outfit was flawless, not to dressy but very nice looking none the less.  I had in these little chain danglie earings not very big but pretty, when I got to my mother's house she had a cow....  She forced me to remove the earings, claimed it was improper for the beach.  Last I checked there was no dress code for the beach not to mention the fact they were just a quarter of an inch chains dangling down not elegant diamond studded evening gown earings.

Well what ever bug was up her butt I appeased her by doing as she asked, she was after all my mother and taking us all out to breakfast at a casino's buffet. Ok so after this mornings "issue" all seemed well, we get to the resturaunt and oh my was I wrong.  The whole time we were there she loudly used HIM and HE when talking about me so others around us could hear.. come on! really? I havent been male for quite some time now and did not look the part, but it was astonishingly embarassing and she persistently used my old name.  This coming from the mother whom told me she was "COMPLETELY SUPPORTIVE" in the beginning.

It upset me alot but I'm a passive person, she's getting older (still only in her 50's but hey I give her props for old people attitued) so I let it slide after explaining how much that bothered me, coarse she pretended she didnt hear a word I said....we continued to the beach.

Once we got there she decided to stay in the car.... ok but me, my wife and kids all had a great afternoon on the beach.  My mother never once joined us on the beach she simply napped in her car, which still boggles me as to why do this whole thing to begin with.  I could have just driven my wife and kids myself to the beach that day, kinda wish now I had.

On the way back my mother decided to "talk" with me all the way home telling me how much she disapproved of how I looked and how I should stop wearing makeup all together and just wear jeans and t-shirts.  She explained how I could change me but I would never change her and she will never call me anything but my old name followed by HIM and HE.  Whats worse is she followed up the "talk" with how I dont look like a woman and never will in her opinion, ultimately explaining to me how embarassingly UGLY I was to her.

I held my tears in till we got home then proceeded to cry for an hour in the shower.  My wife and I have been thinking of moving to Arizona where her mother lives for years now, guess we just got a violent shove into a decision.  We are moving next month.....  With my medical issues from stress I cant handle to continue this, it will literally kill me if I continued.  Now I know most of you would be saying that you would have given her hell and told her where to shove it, For some deep imbedded reason I cant and now post my change I am very much a passive person.

I know she'll never read this blog though it was her idea, but if she did she'd see how much damage she's doing to her daughter.  Though she'd tell me to suck it up and take some asprin.. thats how she deals with stuff like this, tells the person its all in their head and to get over it.  So on August 5th I have an appointment with my doctor and a laser hair removal session on the 15th, we are planning on being on the road by the 18th and to avoid added stress we arent telling her that we are moving till the 12th.  Personally I'd rather just move and not tell her till its done, it would alleviate the most stress from me but in my opinion thats rather cruel, coarse nothing worse then the cruelness she's shown me but I'm a better person for telling her and enduring the next 6 days of anguish.

Sorry this post is more ranting and venting then all my others and I appologize for not posting sooner, once we get to Arizona I'll post more and keep you updated.  As far closing I'll end like I always have, even as hurt and broken as I am right now...... I love you mom, I always will.
..............I just cant stay anymore.

Love,  Sara