February 2nd, 2011

....to look back apon a reflection.

"When I look into a trans woman's eyes, I see both endless strength and inconsolable sadness. I see someone who has overcome humiliation and abuses that would flatten the average person.

I see a woman who was made to feel shame for her desires and yet had the courage to pursue them anyway. I see a woman who was forced against her will into boyhood, who held on to a dream that everybody in her life desperately tried to beat out of her, who refused to listen to the endless stream of people who told her that who she was and what she wanted was impossible.

When I look into trans women's eyes, I see a profound appreciation for how empowering it can be to be female..."

~Julia Serano 'Whipping Girl'
 
This is a quote I have mentioned in the past, a very well put quote that I could not agree more with.  Today I want to take a look at the past year.  Today is my birthday, my first birthday as the woman I should have always been and the anniversary of my first full year on HRT (hormone replacement therapy).  In this blog I will discuss both physically and mentally what has transpired through my transition.
 
WARNING the content of this post may not be appropriate for all ages.  It will discuss very detailed experiences of what happened to a person's body who went through hormone replacement therapy.  The content here is not intended for anything but educational purposes.



For those of you who have read through my entire blog you should now have a firm gasp on who I am and what I have gone through.  The only thing you dont really know is the fine details that are actually quite important, such as the effects on my body from hormone replacement therapy.
 
One year ago I walked into Dr Sara Becker's office in Milwaukie, OR.  I walked in scared shitless knowing how badly I needed this and how important it was.  I was terrified that i would be turned down, that my doctor would find some reason to say no.. or worse, that my doctor would laugh at me.  We've all had those dreams where everyone we know is laughing and pointing at us, weather we were naked at school or what ever.  These dreams have always plagued us.  Sadly mine wasnt a dream, I was awake awaiting the horror of my fears to come true.  I can remember it clearly, I looked nothing like a woman.  I looked like an overweight guy going through a midlife crisis.  I wore a pink button up shirt and blue jeans, the only part of me that resembled the female sex was the color of my shirt.
 
I had never cross dressed before nor had I seen a therapist about this condition, I had high blood pressure and ulsors from stress.  Every sound echoed through my mind of what someone might say.  You have to realize at this point I was a 430lb male who was on the maximum dosage of anti depressants that the government could legally give someone.  Before this year I never though that this was even possible.  I had excepted the fact that I was dead inside and only still alive to raise my three kids.  I had dozens of razorblade scars all over my right ankle from slitting my ankle open just to feel pain and see myself bleed to numb the mental anguish i was living with.
 
So I walked into the clinic, my eyes darting back and forth from person to person like a schizophrenic humming bird.  My eyes wide looking for any one who was like me, someone I could confide in.  Someone I could hide behind.  I was the only one...
 
As I got into my doctor's office I waited for what seemed like hours, but just then, she walked in.  I'm Dr Becker" she said, "I'm transgender as you can obviously tell."  I was shocked at how open she was and how non-shilaunt she was about it.  Yes I could see what she meant by "as you can obviously tell" she had a deeper voice and had alot of masculine features remaining from her transition.  We began talking about what hormone therapy was, asking me what all I knew and what I was expecting.  At first she seemed reluctant in prescribing the hormones to me but she could see it in my eyes, just how broken I really was.
 
It use to be that a patient would have to see a therapist first then get written approval from that therapist to start hormone therapy.  In my case I kinda skipped that step, and while it was no longer a law requiring that step most doctors still followed it.  Dr Sara Becker acknowledged the risk of prescribing hormones to this guy she just met and decided to go ahead and start me off with a half dosage of estrogen.  She explained to me that if all went well then in 4 weeks she'd see me again and increase the dose.  But she wanted me to see a therapist within that time and still get a note stating I was at least under thier care.
 
A month later, and I blush now because of how rediculous I must have looked.  I returned to Milwaukie wearing a dress, a dark brown almost black wig, makeup and earings.  I must have been the poster boy for drag queens because it was obvious.  My wife came with me to meet Dr Sara Becker and we both had high hopes she'd start me on the full hormone dosage.  Now bare in mind I have nothing against wigs or anyone who wears them, and on some people you cant tell, but there are alot of people that are quite obvious.  I learned later what the "obvious" guys dressed as girls were called later on that year, they call themselves transgender but thats a nice way of confusing everyone else.  I'm talking about Crossdressers/Transvestites.  A crossdresser is a man who dresses as a woman with no intentions on changing their sex, nor even going through hormone therapy.  They are your typical drag queens and the center of confusion from public eye.  I have nothing against crossdressers other then the fact they skew the publics perception on what a transgender is.  I later found out that transgender is an extremely broad term kinda like the word human is when talking about different nationalities.  Transexual was the actual term for someone actually changing sex.
 
Anyways from that day on I was on the full horomone therapy regimen (both estrogen and anti androgen/testosterone blocking meds).  Looking back now the first thing that comes to mind is "wow what a rollercoatser of emotions." 
 
--At the end of the first month I already started developing breasts, they were very small buds but noticable none the less.  I was not into men, the thought of anything intimate happening with a man repulsed me, I was very much a lesbian.  As far as standing to pee I have no idea when I was no longer able to do that since I stopped doing that well before I was on hormone therapy.
 
--At the second month I was noticably infertile, my seamen became completely clear and the consistancy started changing to more of a lubricant.
 
--Third month my breasts were obvious to others, I had to stop wearing a sports bra and start wearing a real bra.  After my sports bras my first real bra was a very padded c cup, while my breasts were only a small b I needed the c due to my weight/width.  I also had successfully dropped over 100 lbs of weight, but bare in mind that was from serious (and possibly unhealthy) dieting and exercise.  Sex life slowed down to a near hault, neither one of us in the mood at the same time and sex just wasnt as important.
 
--Fourth month I had gone through such a dynamic roller coaster of emotions I stopped dieting and consentrated on other things.  I also started finding men attractive and considered the thought(s) of intimacy with a man.  Breast development increased quickly and that padded c cup began fitting more correctly.  I could no longer orgasm like a male would, orgasms were in the brain versus in the pants.  My penis also started shrinking drastically.  Feminine features were so prominent, I no longer was mistaken for being a man when I had make-up on.  I also began having menstral cycle symptoms, I would retain water, cramp, and become irritable.
 
--Fifth month breast developement continued as did the immense emotions, I found myself crying all the time.  I was also facing alot of rejection from my external family (mom/dad/sister/brother/etc).  My voice also seemed to change in timbre and pitch, ever so slightly but it was obviously more feminine.
 
--Sixth month I was a wreck, completely stressed out and a stomach riddled with ulsors.  I had to be rushed to the Emergency Room due to crippling stomach pains.  The stress, anxiety, and depression came from my external family's rejection and ridicule which mainly came from my mother and oldest sister.  Also lost significant muscle control in my penis, could no longer urinate without wiping afterwards.  I did however notice a heighth decrease, originally I was 6'4" but I was now only 6'2" with shoes on!  I seemed to be shrinking, not much but it was something!
 
--Seventh month we moved from Oregon to Arizona to get away from the negativity, rejection, and stress.  The reason we went to Arizona of all places was my wife's mom lived there.  She is an amazing woman and endlessly accepting.  My breasts seemed to become increasingly sensitive as they had been this entire year but more so due to growth.  Seamen was no longer seamen, it wasnt tacky or thick, infact it was identicle in every way as far as my wife and I could tell to her body's own natural lubricant.  Sexual attraction grew stronger and sex life with wife picked back up slightly, orgasms were completely different then they had ever been taking longer to get there and lasting alot longer.  Sexual intercoarse was still possible but it became increasingly more difficult with my penis shrinking even more.
 
--Eighth month I am totally into men, still into women but when I looked at a woman the first thoughts were longing or wanting to be her not be with her.  True desire for a man's touch started to grow and I no longer had any visible exterior masculine features.  My penis and testicles shrunk so much that they were completely invisible outside my panties, my testicles were able to slip back inside my pelvic bone where they were before they dropped as a baby.  My penis could almost turn inside-out and none of it resembled much more then loose skin.
 
--Ninth month I was no longer being mistaken as a man (such as he/him/sir) without makeup on, weather I wore makeup or not I was always called miss/mam and she/her.  Only super rarely was I called a he at first glance and that was only due to my height (6'2''), once who ever was talking to me actually looked at me they'd always correct themselves, sometimes even appologize for their mistake.  My desire to become pregnant, carrying a baby within me grew stronger.  Mentral cycles were more obvious and I began spotting blood which I found out wasnt normal since actual mentration blood loss is not suppose to happen with MtF.
 
--Tenth month I no longer felt uncomfortable around others and being a woman was as if it had always been this way.  My voice was no longer mistaken as masculine or male and I could hold full conversations without a worry.  I still seemed to cry alot and could burst into tears at any second of the day.  My overall happiness was through the roof and I was so comfortable being me I started seriously applying for a new job.
 
--Eleventh month my desire to be with a man has grown, I definately was no longer a serious lesbian but bisexual.  Wife and I started seriously discussing meeting guys, not seperately but together a Ménage à trois in otherwords.  Of coarse it would not be sexual until after my surgery but intimacy can exist without sex.  I also landed my first job and 3 days later I fell off an 18' ladder and screwed up my back....again.  I also had my first and second drug test (urinating in a cup, oh what fun) apparently they wanted to make sure I wasnt stoned when I fell off the ladder.  Silly Wal-mart I was only stoned after I fell off the ladder and my very nice doctor gave me vicotin for my back pain....... mmmmMMmmmm vicotin *drool*!!  Ok ok I'm not a junkie or that bad but when your in pain... the good stuff makes a difference, and when you cant have the good stuff, vicotin works just as good.  Do vicotin pezz dispensers exsist?
 
--Twelth month I look into the mirror and see a gorgious woman staring back at me, I feel whole.  I got my roots redyed, my eyebrows dyed and waxed.  I never thought eyebrows as sexy but wow, I'd definately do me!  Met a guy, seems nice, we've talked alot and he knows my full situation.  We might go out sometime, I hope it goes well and I definately look forward to it.  Also according to the state of Arizona and the US Government (and IRS....) my wife and I are no longer married.  We are single, so for all you guys and girls in Arizona that want to hit on me.... I'm available lol, but you have to be into threesomes because my wife and I are glued at the hip.
 
Well thats a recap on what has happened this year, a little to much detail maybe but also very interesting information.  I will blog more often this month and keep you updated with progress as well as events.
 
Love yas, XOXOX
Sara