Saraphiene "Sara" Haldritch
Strange Disappearance
July 8th, 2011
April 18th, 2011
♪♫ Where have all the cowboys gone? ♫♪
I love lots of different kinds of music but this song kind fits recent events. Where have all the cowboys gone is a song by Paula Cole and while I'm not really a cowgirl or country type gal, the meaning of the song applies to this.
March 17th, 2011
To Kill a
Ok now I love all animals but these little dirty rats with wings are everywhere, I'm talking about pigeons. In Oregon they were rare/uncommon at best, but in Arizona they are everywhere. Now they arent ugly, or annoying sounding in my opinion, infact I rather enjoy their cooing sounds. The problem with pigeons is they shit everwhere!! Its like dirty nasty piles of snow only.. its not snow! Anyways aside from the pigeons Arizona is gorgious and I love the weatherm I dont honestly have many complaints. However what i do have is a monthly update! Here is all the dirty little secrets of whats happened in Sara's world.
February 2nd, 2011
....to look back apon a reflection.
"When I look into a trans woman's eyes, I see both endless strength and inconsolable sadness. I see someone who has overcome humiliation and abuses that would flatten the average person.I see a woman who was made to feel shame for her desires and yet had the courage to pursue them anyway. I see a woman who was forced against her will into boyhood, who held on to a dream that everybody in her life desperately tried to beat out of her, who refused to listen to the endless stream of people who told her that who she was and what she wanted was impossible.
When I look into trans women's eyes, I see a profound appreciation for how empowering it can be to be female..."
~Julia Serano 'Whipping Girl'
This is a quote I have mentioned in the past, a very well put quote that I could not agree more with. Today I want to take a look at the past year. Today is my birthday, my first birthday as the woman I should have always been and the anniversary of my first full year on HRT (hormone replacement therapy). In this blog I will discuss both physically and mentally what has transpired through my transition.
WARNING the content of this post may not be appropriate for all ages. It will discuss very detailed experiences of what happened to a person's body who went through hormone replacement therapy. The content here is not intended for anything but educational purposes.
January 21st, 2011
Could he be cuter!?
This past year has been rough, and I have noticed my blog posts have gone kinda south in usefullness and interest, or at least to me they arent quite what I wanted them to be when I started this. So starting February 2nd, 2011 I am going to be blogging alot more personal information. Subjects that will talk more in depth about the changes my mind and body have gone through. Things between obvious physical changes to the deepest intimate details that those of us whom are or will be going through this want to know but dont know who to ask.So thats the plan for 2011, more scientific and theraputic blog posts.. maybe some steamy ones to ;)
Until then I'd like to elaborate on this post's title "Could he be cuter!?" I am talking about Bear Grylls (left) and Jared Padalecki (right). Bear Grylls, originally from Northern Ireland is the host of a TV show called Man vs Wild. Now I know what your thinking, sure he's kinda cute but really? Bear's sex appeal isnt just his looks but his personality, and his talent. Jared Padalecki, who plays "Sam" in the tv series Supernatural has enough sex appeal simply from his looks. Give me one night, just one night with either of them post my surgery and I'd be a very happy woman. Between the two I actually like Bear Grylls better mainly because of his personality and talent in being able to survive anything and kick anyones butt if need be. Just the kind of guy to protect his girl. Now my wife on the other hand prefers Jensen Ackles (below) who plays "Dean" on the series Supernatural. I have to agree with her Jensen is knee buckling as well but I like Bear and Jared are more for my tastes. 
She also loooooooooves Jared Leto, the lead singer of 30 Seconds to Mars, a rock group that started in 1998 but is best known in the 2005-2011 area. He is also an actor and in several movies (right).
Well all, next time I blog should be February 2nd, 2011, so until then XOXOX and a little extra X's for the two gentlemen listed above.
XO,
Sara
January 17th, 2011
New Year, New Changes, New Job?As you might recall almost three years ago I injured my back in a car accident and wound up losing my job. My job was to drive and I wasnt physically able to drive (you may recall from my previous posts) I have been unemployed ever since. Its not for a lack of trying, ok maybe it was for a little while during my first year of transition due to extreme hormone levels and low self esteem. But never the less I was actively looking but finding work as a transgender in her first year of transition... well people werent as receptive as we'd all like. Next month (February 2nd) is my first year of transition (hormone replacement therapy) anniversary/birthday. With this last year gone by and the hormones have made drastic changes I not only look as I should but I feel wonderful! So this brings me to the good news that I have been dieing to tell you. I got a job!!
Ok dont get to excited its only with Wal-mart and its a minimum wage entry position, but its a job! A fresh start and my first job I have ever had (as a woman), gosh I hope I dont get to friendly at work and tell any of my co-workers of my blog. See I tend to over share and I get overly friendly, not in a weird way just a happy-go-lucky way. Anyways so I am 34 and its my first job more or less so its a great start! I feel like a teenager again, but thats probably just the hormones getting me all giddy.I already did the drug test and am now just waiting for orientation to start, wish me luck because I need it, I have a long ways financially till I can afford my SRS and I needed it done a year ago. Well thats all for now, love yas!
Sara
December 27th, 2010
What's my birthday?
Now this post isnt about guessing my birthday or anything its more of a deeper thought into what or when for that matter is my real birthday. Let me explain: On December 28th, 1976; I was physically born... imperfections and all, so logically my birthday is December 28th? However on February 2nd, 2010 I began my hormone replacement therapy, transitioning from the man I was forced to be into the woman I was born to be. So on February 2nd, 2010 I was born again, taking control of my life and doing something about the situation I was in rather then to give up and let the world consume me.
To me February 2nd, 2010 feels more like a real birthday then my original birthday does. Yes tonmorrow I'll be 34 yet I cant help but ponder the fact that I'll simply be 33 years of numb, lifelessness and 10 months of true life. I dont like birthdays in general because the only thing you celebrate is how old your getting and while its exciting and great when your young... as you get older it begins to mean less each year. But a Rebirthday, now that sounds exciting! A celebration of not how old you are but how much you've accomplished. A celebration of living proof that you've taken control of your life and against all odds shown the world exactly who you really are!
XO,
Sara
November 11th, 2010
The End and The Beginning
Its hard knowing just what to say when someone dies, weather they were close to you or someone you barely knew. Funerals always make me depressed and to bury someone that recently was up and alive, now lifeless and cold. Well sadness and depression is one thing not happening today! Today I burried the final remnance of my "brother" (my old self) by finally getting my new glasses!
November 4th, 2010
New Picture Coming Soon!!
Hi guys, I know I have been talking about it for a while now but its finally coming, new pictures! I got a cell phone a couple days ago, its the newest andriod phone on the market (OMG I am in love with this phone) effectively its a laptop computer only mini sized with no buttons, the entire screen is a touch pad. Anyways it has a camera on it thats quality is extremely good.. soo I am having my picture taken but not till my new glasses get here. I am still wearing my old glasses (men's yuk) so I went and got a new prescription and frames which will be here in 3-7 days. The frames are pink! and super cute! So once they get here I'll get all dolled up and snap a few shots for my blog. Only down side is I havent lost anymore weight since my last picture, the stress of moving and family issues etc etc have only caused me to gain weight. But now that things have calmed down and I am back in my routine I am loosing weight again so I'll be bikini body ready in a year. Anyways aside from the new phone, and $400 glasses (ug my pocketbook still hurts) not much else has happened. Just living life one day at a time and enjoying every minute of my transition.
Its rather rewarding seeing just how much changes from taking estorgen and anti-androgens, I havent talked about detailed changed on my blog yet due to the fact they are rather personal and graphical details. However, I am thinking of opening an adult section on my blog where I can talk about these things. Things such as breast growth, muscle growth (in different areas then a man would have) as well as chemical changes I have gone through. But thats all in consideration and planning, dont know if I will do that or not, post replies here or email me at Saraphiene@live.com and let me know your opinions on this idea.
As always extreme XOXO's to you all,
Sara
October 31st, 2010
A night to remember...Wel its halloween and I am excited, alot has happened in the past month but it all comes down to what happened last night and what will happen tonight *wink*. Last night a sweet friend of mine picked me up and took me on a girls night out on the town. She showed me alot of Phoenix and even took me out to dinner, which by the way I strongly recommend eating at Ticoz Resturaunt in Phoenix! I was overly nervous that night because the last time I went "out" was my 21st birthday and even that was just to a crappy bar. Dinner was great and the atmosphere was priceless, the staff was extremely friendly and over all people just seemed to be having a really good time all around.
October 30th, 2010
Kill October 17th, 2010
Phoenix, to start anew
Hi all, sorry I havent posted in a week but alot has happened. Most transgender end up moving to start a new life once they have begun transition, sad to say its sometimes not an option. For me it was moving to Arizona, someplace no one knows me, someplace I wont be ridiculed by people (family) whom are to stuck on the past and unwilling to be accepting. For a life change, starting completely over whats more fitting then Phoenix, the name itself is what I am refering to. Phoenix, to be reborn, and thats precisely what I am doing. To start I'd like to say how much I love Arizona! No more cold days, no more persistant nonstop rain, and no more humidity!! Ok maybe its not for everyone but I love it here. Currently I am seeking support/social groups in Phoenix to be a part of, I really need more friends and I need to get out. I'd love to go to a club with a group or girls and just enjoy the night!
We are still getting settled in and I havent found much time for my computer, poor computer, he must think I am cheating on him.. ok there goes my dry sense of humor. Anyways I'll blog alot more soon, just need time to get settled and then get my groove back. On a side note my hair is gorgious! its alot longer and I cant stop playing with it, I love being a blonde! Also I have noticed considerable breast developement (as if they needed to keep growing) I was a small c now i'm a well fit C and taking great shape! Anyways for anyone trying to get a hold of me remember my email addy is Saraphiene@live.com
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
Love yas!
Sara
October 10th, 2010
Moving Day
Hi all, just posting to let everyone know whats going on. You probably wont see me around for the next two weeks because we moved from Oregon to Arizona. The move was actually quite stressful as most of you can imagine from my previous posts discussing the idea of moving and why. Two months ago we had decided to move and we told my mom two weeks in advance so they could spend time with us and say good bye etc, yea its hard for anyone to see family move away, but my external family (mom, sister, etc) flipped out! They tried holding an intervention to brow beat me into staying! Coarse thats how they force me to do anything I dont want to, they verbally beat their ideas into you. Anyways like usual I caved and we stayed, I couldnt handle the anxiety and stress.. my stomach is already like swiss cheese due to the alarming number of ulsors due to everything thats been happening.
So two months later brings us to today, we moved! The only difference is this time since I proved my external family couldnt handle this maturely, we simply didnt tell them. I know its bad but have you read my posts? It really was the only option. Anyways so by the time you read this we are already in Arizona getting settled in, once we get there i'll write a letter to my external family and tell them whats going on. Coarse they are going to hate me but thats something I have accepted. If they are reading this, which I doubt, but if they are.. I am sorry, sorry to my sweet sweet sister Marissa, my sister Faye, my brother Joey, my sister-in-law Laura, my nephews Jeffory, Trefor, Tyler, Wilson, Jay-Jay, and my Niece Luci.. I love you all and I will stay in touch. We'll come back next year and visit, infact I plan on coming to see you all every year.
As for my friends Jason and Justin, I am sorry I didnt tell you sooner, I couldnt risk this secret slipping out. Not that it would or what not but.. I didnt tell anyone period so dont feel left out.
Anyways now that I opened pandora's box.... the secret's out and no turning back. I wish this didnt have to be this way but I already tried this the responsible way by telling people weeks in advance but they couldnt handle it maturely. For those that the immaturity issues doesnt apply, I am so very sorry.XOXO
Sara
September 20st, 2010
Tá ár n-uaillmhianta aisling
Tá ár n-uaillmhianta aisling, is Gaelic (Irish) for "Dreams are our ambitions" which I thought was appropriate for today's blog post. Must like every single woman, trans or not, the reflection in the mirror is far worse then how I want to look. I guess this is true for anyone but for me I am going from something I despise for being it for far to long. I guess the best way to compare it would be taking clay from the ground, dirty and unrefined, and going to an amazing porcelain work of art, and I am still in the clay stage. Perhaps refined, all the impurities are gone and I am starting to take shape but when I look in the mirror I see what I dont feel. Anyways my point to all this is for us to dream, our dreams are our ambitions. So if we are going to strive for something then dream.. dream big because the bigger you dream the stronger your ambitions will be to get you there.August 24th, 2010
News Post
Sorry for the simple post just letting everyone know of the new things I have added. As you will see there are 2 new banners for Indica, one above this and one on the bottom left. On the top right you will see ♪♫ In Passing ♫♪, and the bottom right you will see several other new music videos, we hope you enjoy! Also moved the donation box below the table of contents on the right hand side for aesthetics. I'll post soon!
August 20th, 2010
The Greatest Roller-Coaster,
...you don't want to be on.
In short they aren't fun but they do play a vital role on our development but the difficult thing is how to deal with them. When multiple woman live together their bodies start to grow in sync, between menstruating to lactating. Since my transition I have noticed my body creating menstrual symptoms that show up a day to days before my wife's does and on some occasions days after instead of before. I get more moody and its extremely obvious, I retain water, cramps, and migraines. While I don't bleed because I don't have a uterus (yet! one day technology will advance to uteran transplants!) I still exhibit all signs of having a period.
So with these mood swings due to hormone levels I've started taking some precautions, it sounds funny almost like a werewolf but hang around me on my worst days and you wont think the werewolf mentality is far from the truth. So lets call it Weregirl mode, mainly because a Weregirl isn't as scary as a Werewolf, anyways back on subject. When these mood swings happen and then when they are over I look back and think "why did I do that?", "did I really say that?" Its very much like a Werewolf, some vicious beast taking over.
Now its really not THAT bad but I'm a drama queen so let me live in my own little world and exaggerate things a little. When these mood swings start coming on I take little precautions, mostly small things to prevent me from being irrational such as any large decision making. When I'm a Weregirl I refuse to buy anything and try to avoid emotional situations with people I care about. When it comes to emotional conflict such as what someone said I try and write it down or push it aside so that I can shrug it off and wait till the next day (or week depending on how long the mood swing is). Then when I am no longer a Weregirl I can look at the situation and deal with it properly, especially emotional conflict or purchases, because nothing makes a girl feel better then shopping or chocolate and usually in that order.So for all us Weregirls out there, its a wild roller coaster ride and while we may not enjoy the downs.. hold on tight because the ups will make you scream with joy!
Love,
August 18th, 2010
The Interview
I have been looking for a job for quite some times now, the economy really sucks and I've now been unemployed for two years (without unemployment benefits mind you). Anyways I got a call back from a company I recently applied to, they wanted an interview! I was so excited I had problems sleeping, the interview was set for August 17th at 6pm, and my nerves were running amuck. This was to be my first job interview since my transition, and because of that I was a wreck.. would they know? would I sound ok? (I havent had voice surgery yet). All these things were racing through my mind knowing that this was my first opportunity in two years I must make the best of it. Anyways so the day of the interview came by, I got ready many hours early just so I wasnt late, make-up was stunning, outfit was great, nerves..... still shot.So I get to my interview, early, everything seems fine even though I feel as if I'm just a walking joke. I calmed my nerves as best as I could and during the interview I answered every question the interviewer had very quickly and I think perfectly. I was spot on, at least I felt so, and I wasnt the slightest bit nervous once the actual interview started. After it was all over I started to feel dreadul, thinking to myself.. convincing myself that I was the butt end of a joke and they werent seriously interviewing me. I guess I have my mom to thank for my low self esteem "less is more" she says when she's trying to convince me into wearing a grubby t-shirt and jeans without make up.. ie: boy myself down. She really hates my transition but claims she's supportive. Just glad I didnt take her advice and waltz into my interview looking like a hobo off the corner just walked in...
Anyways, the day after the interview I feel better, knowing I did my best and if I dont get the job it was a first experience, I mean quite literally it was my first interview ever since the transition. With luck they'll call me back next week but I'm not holding my breath. Until then I'll keep looking, someday, someone will hire me reguardless of who or what I am.
Love, Sara
August 8th, 2010
♪♫ Set apart this dream for me. . ♫♪
Agust 3rd, 2010
The Blushing Bliss
I've never truly thought of myself as attractive. I've had people tell me I was but I never really felt it. I've felt attraction to others, but the emotion of a blissful blush is one thing I haven't experienced. Its funny how the smallest things in life make the largest impact in your life, last night my family and I went out to get dinner. It was nothing fancy and something we never do, we went through a fast food drive thru. I don't get fast food very often (weight/diet and all) and normally prefer to cook anyways but tonight we did this. So as we got to the window I went to get my visa from my purse. I then realized I had made a mistake and left my visa at home, I quickly counted the money I had but I did not have enough for the order. I had most of it but still more then a few dollars short. I looked up at the man and politely asked for him to take away one of the things I ordered but before I could finish my sentence he looked at me in the eyes and told me not to worry about it as he smiled. I was rather shocked, I mean if your a penny, nickle, dime, heck maybe even a quarter short, it can be no big deal, but....
August 2nd, 2010
The Terrorists within Us
