Agust 3rd, 2010

The Blushing Bliss

I've never truly thought of myself as attractive.  I've had people tell me I was but I never really felt it.  I've felt attraction to others, but the emotion of a blissful blush is one thing I haven't experienced.  Its funny how the smallest things in life make the largest impact in your life, last night my family and I went out to get dinner.  It was nothing fancy and something we never do, we went through a fast food drive thru.  I don't get fast food very often (weight/diet and all) and normally prefer to cook anyways but tonight we did this.  So as we got to the window I went to get my visa from my purse.  I then realized I had made a mistake and left my visa at home, I quickly counted the money I had but I did not have enough for the order.  I had most of it but still more then a few dollars short.  I looked up at the man and politely asked for him to take away one of the things I ordered but before I could finish my sentence he looked at me in the eyes and told me not to worry about it as he smiled.  I was rather shocked, I mean if your a penny, nickle, dime, heck maybe even a quarter short, it can be no big deal, but....

I widely smiled and thanked him by name, he was rather cute.  So you tell me, was he just a really nice guy or was there something more behind his smile and generosity.

When I started my transition I was extremely certain that I was a lesbian.  I was happily married to a woman whom I am only complete because I'm with her.  Its been 8 months since I started my transition and the feeling of only being attracted to women has changed.  Not completely, I am attracted to women but at the same time the first thought I have when I see an extremely attractive woman is how badly I wish I was her or looked as she did.  Yet when I look at a man I don't see just some guy, but I see his subtle features, his smile, his eyes and the strong arms he could hold a woman with.  I have come to now understand that I no longer consider myself a lesbian but bisexual, I still can see the beauty and sensualness of another woman's body, the way her lips move, her touch, the sound of her breath.  However, the alluring images dancing around my mind of the gentle caress of a cute guy holding me, dance through my mind..

I wonder many nights what it would feel like to be kissed my a man, to be held, to be protected and loved.  I can feel my breath taken away with his very touch, and the thought of him being with me in the deepest way a man can with a woman feels like soft whispers carried by the wind as the wind roams acrossed my skin sending chills up my spine causing me to crinkle my toes with a shutter of bliss I long for.

I close my eyes and can envision my future like a poem written by a lover awaiting the return of her other half from a long journey apart.  My wife is my soul mate, my best friend, and my lover... this will never change, but as my body changes like the scattered pieces of a jig-saw puzzle being effortlessly put back together.. I wonder......  Besides since she and I are both bisexual, who says we cant add a little fun sometime.. I truly pity the man we lure for he cannot resist the nymph I am and the succubus she is!

Your sister,

Sara