August 2nd, 2010

The Terrorists within Us

Ok I'd like to start off with an apology, my last few posts have been alot more ranting and complaining about the bad things going on instead of the changes and feelings I am going through.  This blog originally was more... well just more, so I'll steer this thing to be slightly more Sarasophical (Sara's Philosophy).  This should make my posts more meaningful and more informative.

"The Terrorists within Us"... I've always joked about me being my own worst enemy but in reality it isn't a joke, its actually more to truth then we'd like to admit.  Every where I go the imminent thought in my head is who's staring at me.  I consume myself with so much paranoia that I cause myself more anguish, becoming a terrorist to myself.  Sure there are a few negative things in life happening right now but if we become part of that negativity then we are no better then those causing it.  I am proud to say not once since my transition have I had someone I dont know comment about me behind my back, yet everywhere I go that's instantly the one thing I think everyone is doing.  I've been made fun of and talked about behind my back about being fat most of my life, but since I have lost some weight (more to come) the comments have stopped, and where I anticipated them continuing redirected at my change feeling like everyone sees what I am hiding as if it was a billboard above my head, they simply havent.

I do notice people glancing at me and even sometimes staring, but I am coming to realize the reason for these looks isn't for the reasons I fear.  I am 6'2" tall, I'm a tall woman and that is the reason they are looking.  Its not a look or stare in humiliation, its actually just the opposite.. for the most part.  While I am very tall and still a little over weight, I don't look masculine in any way and am further from looking like a guy then half the women I pass on the street, not that I am passing judgment because judgement is what I am avoiding.  One can quickly see the roller coaster of emotions developing from this not to mention the whacked out hormone levels I am going through. 

A few days ago I mentioned I had my hair professionally dyed, what I didn't mention is actually the really good part and testament to today's blog.  At the beginning of my hair dye session/thingy my stylist asked me what prompted my decision to change (brunette to blonde) and at that second I told her it was just something I wanted to do.. I wasn't about to tell her it was to make me feel and look better because I use to be a guy and had a sex change.  Thirty-five minutes later as my hair was under the full head shield blow dryer thingy I called my stylist over and told her the truth, see all this time she was being extremely friendly trying to strike up conversation and I'd shoot it down with the shortest non descriptive answer I could, using as little words as possible because my voice I feel is my worst attribute. 

So I told her the real reason for this change was because I had a sex change.  Now I anticipated the worst case scenario but in my mind I was already prepared to walk out if such event happened.  As the words came out of my mouth I witnessed as one of the best reactions that anyone could ever exhibit to this information.  She lit up with excitement and happiness explaining to me how wonderful of news this was and how happy and proud she was for me.  Coarse she had a dozen questions, as anyone would but because of my courage and her excitement the rest of the dye session was absolutely phenomenal!  We talked and talked about all sorts of things and in the end my hair color came out to a level of perfection I could have only dreamed it to be.

Anyways I'll end today's post referencing back to the title of this post "The Terrorists within Us" because we are our biggest fear, people take what they see at face value and nothing more.  Yet we, the ones behind the scenes know what they do not and anticipate everyone seeing this.. its simply not reality.  Knowing this sadly doesn't change much, I still feel overly worried someone is going to find out and even though I know how every single person has reacted when I actually did open up and tell them, its still the fear we cause ourselves that makes things so difficult.  I've got a long ways to go, physically, and mostly mentally, yet every day is another step closer to becoming whole and I could not be more excited for tomorrow!

Love you all,

Sara