April 20th, 2010

The Hiding Game

Often I find myself extremely shy and overly worried.  I dream of being invisible or fading into the background, but these arent really just dreams now are they?  As a transgender I find myself hiding as often as I can, be it my finger nails, my body, my feelings.  I often wear unisex clothing or bulky shirts just so no one notices me.  I always hide every faucet of myself from others.  I guess I've always done so.. so why do we hide? Is it because we have been forgotten, or we want to be forgotten?

For those of you whom dont hide or dont understand what we are going through I envy you, both confidence and ignorance can be bliss.  I am who I have become and are becoming.  I am very proud of myself and what I am going through, but every chance I get I try and hide.  I want to stand out, I want to scream to the whole world that I am finally alive and I am not afraid anymore.  My ideas and intentions are true to the heart but somewhere down the road to actions I get lost.

One day I will have the self esteem and courage to be the same on the outside as I am on the inside.   I know why we hide.. we are afraid of our selves....  My life is blooming, the clouds of depression and darkness are starting to go away and I can see a glint of sunshine coming through.  My days are filled with happiness and hope.. finally there is hope, and thats what scares me.  I am afraid of it all going away, I am afraid of losing what I am becoming.. what I need..

I remember what life was like before I woke up, and that... thats why I hide.  I am really hiding from myself, trying despirately to get away from my memories, my feelings.  I guess it feels foriegn to be this happy, I have finally found my heaven.. and I never needed to leave in order to find it.

As I grow my eys light up with excitement, I feel like a kid again, anxiously awaiting what happens next.  Every step I take is a step I never have to take again, its a step forward making my journey to complete happiness that much closer.  I cant wait for the day I no longer have to hide, the day that I am unquestionably, undeniably who I really am.  I've never said this before but it feels so good to say it now, though I am a long ways away from where I want no need to be... "I love my life!"