April 22nd, 2010

The Frayed Wire

What happens to a wire, rope or cable when it starts to fray while it has alot of weight on the bottom end? Eventually it breaks... this post is about the frayed wire. To better explain this is about the ties that bind, what keeps me with my external family.

Originally it was love, as it should always be.. now, I am not so sure. I just had another horrifying conversation with my mother. I called her to see how she was and tell her about all the wonderful things going on. I told her about my wonderful day yesterday and the time my son and I had on our peaceful walk. I told her about the games we've played.. see my daughters are both away at outdoor school for 3 days. So to make it special for my son whom is to young to go to outdoor school we have been doing our own fun things.

Half way through the conversation she starts beratting me about me always being depressed and always talking about myself. Let me clarify one thing, the word depressed never partook in this conversation and I didnt start mentioning my blog or anything about me till then end of the first half of the conversation.. The reason I didnt mention it is because of what took place on "Family Fued" the post I made on April 16th.  I knew she was still sensitive about me changing my last name.  So after we talked for a moment I mentioned this blog feeling she was in a good mood and able to talk about this.  Oh my goodness was I wrong, we then spent an hour arguing about how to hold a conversation.

She was complaining about how I always talk about myself and she did not want to hear about anything that had to do with me, but rather only about my kids.  Which correct me if I am wrong but wasnt that why I called her to begin with to talk about what was going on?  Anyrate I am so upset now I am shaking.. she's pushing me away and I dont know what to do..

Our bond that my mom and I have is this wire that I was talking about and its fraying... I now, more then anytime in my life need that support and love.  I am hanging off the cliff holding on by that thin wire and the only thing she is doing is picking at the frayed part of the wire keeping me from falling.  My wife and kids are way to important to have my mom rip me back depression, and anxiety wise to where I was a year ago.  I was not in a good place a year ago, I was mentally unhealthy and taking some pretty heavy anti depressant and anti anxiety medication from a psychiatrist.  And this.. issue thats eroding between us is doing nothing but wreaking havoc on me and my family.

See if you are depressed and upset guess what happens to those around you?  Yep, they can feel your negative energy, they get depressed.  5 months ago I was in a wheelchair and less then 15 years from dieing of being unhealthy weight and mentally wise.  My doctor already warned me that my liver wouldnt hold out for ever if I continued on the level of pain killers (for my back) and all the mental health meds I was taking ontop of my very unhealthy diet.  My life has changed so much since then it its only been 5 months!!  I can run a 5k! I ride my bike for 10 miles PER DAY.  I've nearly lost 100 lbs.. so excuse me if I finally stop and put my health and my family's health first.  I survived and I will NOT go back to where I came from!

I am posting this here because I dont honestly think my mother will actually read this, she distains everything about this blog even though it was her idea.  It took me a week to get her to even look at it let alone read.  I hope though that she will read this, and not just this post but all of them.  I want her to learn about me as much as possible so she understands whats going on before its to late.  I love my mother more then my own life.. but my life is also my family's health, happiness and ultimately life itself.  So are the scales really still balanced?

Maybe I am just overly emotional, maybe it is just the hormones... but my wife isnt taking any hormones and she's standing next to me listening to the conversations on the phone hearing us both.. talking to us both.  My wife agrees with me completely and is so upset with my mother she wouldnt even talk to her on the phone.  Maybe this is all just a phase my mother is going through.. denial if you will, and all of this will blow over and we will become a stronger family...   Hey fairy tales do happen, just look at the "Overweight Caterpillar" my progress is a fairy tale by itself.

I was so incredibly happy today before I called her... I dont want this feeling of dred when I think about calling her... this feeling... its agonizing.  My tears of despair clawing down my face like a waterfall erodes the end of a cliff.. pretty is the waterfall but damaged is its face.

In closing I will pause with these words.  "I love you mom, I always will."

Your daughter,
Sara