April 27th, 2010

Mirror, mirror, on the wall...

Most people grow up looking into a mirror, whether its in the morning, noon, or night; while brushing their teeth, putting on make-up, or just brushing their hair.  As we grow up we begin to identify flaws that we have in ourselves that we dislike.  I doubt there is a person alive whom have looked at themselves in the mirror and simply could not pick out at least one flaw.  These flaws usually grow into insecurities and make us feel bad about the way we look, some of us over come the insecurities but alot of us hang onto them for reasons we do not know.  We were taught how to hold on to something but never how to let it go.

I am one of these people that have never liked the way I looked in a mirror, infact you could say I hated looking at myself.  I was fat and ugly.. or at least thats how I felt, and the mirror was the allie to my greatest enemy..... myself.  Now sure we all have good days and bad, some mood changes, some just bad hair days, but the fact of the matter is we strive at great lengths to resolve these insecuritie issues. 

Today I did another marathon (26.2 mile) bike ride (my exercise bike but still.. a marathon none-the-less).  While doing this my eyes danced around the room between the tv, to entertain myself, or pictures, heck I practically waltzed over every surface in that room just trying to get focus to keep going.  Hey I dont care who you are 26.2 miles on a bike is a good workout.  Anyways my eyes eventually fell on the bathroom mirror, the door was left slightly ajar and I was able to see my whole body on that exercise bike sweating and panting away.  My first reaction was "crap! gotta close the door."  but I took a second look because something I have never seen before was in that mirror.  That thing in the mirror I had never seen before.. was me...

See when I use to look in the mirror I saw an unatractive overweight male staring dumbfoundedly back.  For a woman to see that in the mirror as her self, is a nightmare in itself, but today was different.  As I looked, my reflection looked back, I did not see the unatractive overweight man staring like an idiot back.  I saw an attractive person whom wasnt all that over weight, whom wasnt ugly, and whom had a look of excitement, enthusiasm... the look of life.  Now granted I have lost 100lbs and I have been on HRT for almost 3 months so obviously some major changes have taken place.  But even already knowing that, until now I never really saw me, I always saw that guy I wasnt suppose to be.

So my journey into my new life can be catagorized by this: 1) I woke up, meaning I came out of the darkness of depression that was my denial and made the initial steps to change my life becoming the woman I have always been. 2) I opened my eyes, meaing I saw myself for the first time, not my flaws, not my insecurities, and not the unattractive overweight man I was plagued to be... I saw whom I really was.

Well I guess after you wake up and open your eyes, the next logical step is to get up.  For me that means to stand up for myself, start taking pride in who I am and not worrying about what others might think.  I usually wear women's jeans which dont really look all that different then mens, and a unisex shirt with a sports bra or non supporting bra which helps hide my breasts.... but not any longer.  I am going to get up now and just be me, those who dont like it can dislike it elsewhere because look out world.. Sara's here!